Out In The Woods Alone

This morning's shower thought: I have been thinking about WTF am I doing with my life, WTF have I done to myself... I remembered back to when I was starting college for photography and my brother asked me, "Why don't you go into that fashion program at SCCC?" and I said, "I already know how to do all that I want to learn something new." On to the shower thought. I thought... "What if he was right? I should have gone into that damned fashion program." If nothing else I would have the critique experience and a credential for the thing I've been doing for literally 40 years. What have I done to myself?

When I imagine my dream factory, it's vintage picking / reselling, design/sew dance costumes and commissioned special occasion pieces, animating things is always secondary. I love animating things don't get me wrong, and I especially like thinking about process, purpose and historical context of animated films, there is literally no market for that outside of teaching. When I think about how I can realistically make a living I automatically think of my past workshops and business, that's the hustle I know, and I wonder all over again, WTF have I done to myself?

I'm trying to remind myself that this feeling of dread is situational and temporary, and it's complicated. I'm tired of looking for work I don't really want in the first place, I'm bored and the only fabric store I can find is Jo-Ann's and that simply won't do.

This is more than just a lack of self confidence, it's a lack of resources... Part of what I'm not talking about, ever, and it's frustrating me, is my mental health care here. I've been off any mood enhancers for a year and a half. I had to stop taking them abruptly in July of 2015 because a drug interaction was manifesting as heart failure (I'm healthy as a horse despite being fat), I stayed off of them while I was making my film because my obsessive manic thinking about thinking served my script writing well. When I was ready to go back on meds my doc and I had to part ways because she was with Student Health and I had graduated out of my program.

I've been trying to get an appointment to see a psychiatrist since August. AUGUST (I have the first appt. I could get in MARCH). I have excellent insurance, it's clinic availability. I've been advised to walk into an urgent care for psychiatric care or call crisis hotlines, neither of which are going to provide me with what I need, so I've been enduring a profoundly deep depression, something that had previously been treated and maintained fairly well for 12-13 years prior. I've had some intense lows here, I'm figuratively out in the woods alone. And this isn't about friends, I have friends... I can't get dressed, I can't keep plans, and I'm a miserable sot when I do see people.

So my big underlying issue, serious depression, is basically crippling me at this point. Compounded with job hunt rejection


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