Dear Lurker,

Dear Lurker,
So many years ago you broke me. You shattered my confidence and you thwarted every one of my efforts to recover myself from your work in destroying my self-esteem. It's been six years since I left, five since I left town to go to school far far away from you. Now, I'm all the way across the country and you're still lurking about in the shadows of the internet. Campground Rules, "leave it in better shape than you found it" You were a bad camper. You trashed the place.

Despite having done a lot of work to prove to myself, others, and you as a byproduct, that I am not actually dumb or stupid; your work lingers. It doesn't seem to matter that I am actually a categorically smart person. The work you did to break me has lingered deep within the currents of my confidence, or lack there of.

I wish changing this were as simple as telling you to fuck right off and carrying on with my life. That hasn't worked. When I've seen you in unexpected places, I have seethed in anger that I can't seem to get away from you, regardless of how remote. Seeing you really fucks my day.

We're gonna have to work this out somehow. We may be separated by 3000 miles now but that won't always be true. We both have every right to be on our own home turf, however I'd like to be home without the anxiety and anger that surrounds the possibility of seeing you. The only way I can see that happening is to not be angry with you anymore. That whole forgiveness thing we hear so much about.

I need a sincere apology. Not some nice sounding hot air. A sincerely well considered and deeply felt apology for treating me the way you did throughout our relationship. You are a good person but you're ideas of relationship dynamics is some shit dude. You've had five years to think about it. If you can't manage an apology, I'll leave it up to you to steer clear of me at events/happenings/places.

Please, think about it. I am hoping that by inviting you to 'pick up around the campground' will do some work to restore me to a state similar to the one you found me in.



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