What do I have against holidays?

day 364: What a blast!

As much as I hate Christmas, it turns out I hate Independence Day just as much. Actually, that’s not true. I love the 4th of July, but as an unattached single person I have been left out of holiday fan-fare for many, many years.  I cannot recall the last time was not sitting home alone on the 4th . I don’t actually mind being alone but there is a dark pit of hatred that radiates from me for all of the people I know out having some jolly time throwing m-80’s at each other, dancing around the yard with sparklers, lighting fuses and retiring to safe distances. OK perhaps not a dark pit of hatred, something closer to the feelings behind the eyes of a sad puppies face after it's been scolded for some unknown misunderstood misdeed. The last fireworks display I went to see was 9 years ago with my ex husband – who seethed with anger about something the whole time. I remember the place, the friends we couldn’t locate and that he was really pissed about something. The last memory I have of sidewalk firework antics I was 15, in front of my friend Amanda’s house. 2 years ago I escaped my controlling, dangerous boyfriend. That  was not a fun holiday weekend, the only fireworks was our fight that ended the relationship. I have absolutely no recollection of what I did last year [edit: I spent days holding my shaking terrified cat to my bosom, protecting her from the loud]. There may have been fun times somewhere in the past, but they probably happened while I was inebriated – trying to forget something, no, trying to forget everything or trying to prove that I knew how to have fun in spite of what I was trying to forget.

My experience of the 4th of July needs a revamp. I need new memories to replace decades of being alone. Fucking decades! Even when I have been with people, I have been a little bit outside of everyone else's friendships, not quite fitting in. I want that to change, but it hasn't. My reasonable mind says, chance, there is a chance, there is always chance. Don’t rely on the past to dictate the future Q. Trust chance.

A good question to ask myself is – what the hell do I want for the extended holiday weekends that have previously left me feeling miserable? Be it New Years, Easter, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Thanksgiving or Christmas – all of which suck donkey because I am so incredibly alone, missing attachment. Labor Day is different, I’m alone with 50K of my dearest friends, it’s a little easier to cope with being lonely.  What do I want?

I have worked very hard to fix the pits in my heart, I’ve polished up the dark spots, mended it’s brokenness, crumbled the walls around it, cleared the rubble, identified the pokey bits well enough to post warning signs. I know myself well. Yippee. I want to have someone to thank for sharing the day with me. I want someone to sit close enough to that I can feel their radiance. I want someone to help make good memories with, to wipe out the bad. I want someone to trust. To wrap my arms around. I want to feel something other than this sadness. Something – not quite anything – I don’t want to be the subject of someone’s anger or resentment. No. Not at all.  I want a willing recipient for my gratitude. Someone who knows that I love them.

My therapist told me the one thing he doesn’t agree with in regards to Buddhism is, lack of attachment. He said this after I talked about my journey through releasing my dancer/carpenter/adventurer ego after a life changing injury.  I’ve always been very ‘detached’ to stuff and people, for various reasons. I was winding up to tell him that I am ready to don some layers of attachment, like dressing for Northwest weather. I’m ready to not be so solitary. I don’t want anyone to ever say of me “she was a bit of a loner”.

This post started as a tweet “What fun is happening this holiday weekend that I can look forward to missing out on?”  This question will go unanswered until I see the photos after the fact. My truth is that I don’t really have friends here. Even if I did I wouldn’t get invited to anything. I hear after the fact that people think I am busy. Yeah busy holding down a couch cushion.

Ok, now that I’ve written enough to release the pressure that was preventing me from carrying on with my solitude, I will go back out to my deck, pet the cats warm from the sun and continue reading a book a beautiful man lent me read.

I’m okay with being alone – though I’ll probably hate it later.


  1. Get in your car and come to Oakland!

  2. I wish I could afford the 1000 miles worth of gas, but I can't.


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