Well, one boundary has been crossed. And I lived.

Today 'Straight Shooter Q' approached the subject of the previous post with the person of interest. I talked about why I immediately turned down his offer to participate in picture making with me. Describing the images and declaring, due to their nature, I'd be most comfortable making these images with someone I'm on spit-swapping terms with, someone whom I trust eminently. As we are not on spit-swapping terms, making these images together is beyond my comfort level and the boundaries of our current relationship. He stated that he understood.  I think the images I want to make are going to take a lot out of me, I will probably cry through the process and I think I need a person comfortable enough with me / I'm comfortable enough with to bear witness to that experience. 

It was easy to bring up the conversation, Straight Shooter Q cutting to the quick of the matter, but I found it difficult to spit out the words to broach the specifics of the images I would like to make. To speak the words, "I need to make a picture of me as a child being raped" out loud took a little internal prodding. I've never talked about this stuff with anybody ever. To write about it (even briefly and badly) is a huge leap, and then to voluntarily discuss it out loud with another human being at the very first opportunity is another huge step. Though I don't know to what gain. I don't feel better or anything. I actually think I might have made some new anxiety. My belly has a knot in it now. I suppose the next step would be to go ahead with the image making regardless; though I do think I'll have a hard time finding a willing participant. It's a lot to ask of someone. Or is it?  "Hi, do you think you could fake having forcible non-consensual sex with a child? For art!"  

It's really no wonder my previous relationships haven't worked. I have so much violent dirty shit in my past - it's hard for me to process. I'm doing it. Here we are. Processing. I recognized that if I don't give a little of my dark-self away then I'm not establishing an opportunity to build trust, to build relationships that are more substantial than a few surface layers.  I have been guarded for so long and it hasn't been working for me. People I'd consider closer than most don't actually know me very well as I have not been showing my vulnerabilities. The dark soup of my head is a freaky place. Stuff has happened there that we as a civilized compassionate polite society don't want to think about or be reminded of.  When people have asked "what are you thinking?" usually I ask, do you want the full version or a polite  answer?  More often than not they'll request the short version. Occasionally they'll risk the full answer and then stare at me all gobsmacked and tell me that was way too much. I end up feeling they didn't want the full answer, or were unprepared for it and don't know what to do with it. They don't have to do anything with it, just don't hurt me with it. I've learned through trial and error most folks aren't on board Q's crazy train and keeping my thoughts to myself is 'better'.  Reality, few if any of the people who have asked for the full tilt version are still in my life.

I remember saying my ex-hubs2 after he asked me to reveal everything in my past before our relationship went any further, "It took a long time to experience this story, it'll take a while to tell." He was one of the gobsmacked. Note that he is an ex. To find words for this stuff so that I may share it with another person is a lot to ask of me. So much of it happened before I had an adequate vocabulary for the subject matter at hand.

So I haven't. 
I don't. 
I didn't. 
I just did. 

Seeing the inherent value in connecting with people in person I have in the last year allowed myself to make connections. Risking the rush of falling into someone. Risking my emotional ups and downs in the process. Risking rejection. Risking failure. I've suffered all of these 'consequences' and I do not feel better for it. I do not feel less alone. I do feel a little stronger in my ability to 'Straight Shooter Q' stuff, to attack conversations that make me uncomfortable. Facing my own awkward head on. I've been called tenacious, brave, a bad-ass; all true. But I am no closer to anybody than I was before this push began, if anything I am in fact further away than I have ever been before. Perhaps I'm seeking the wrong kind of connection. Maybe I need to be open to connecting in different ways. 

In all honesty I want to be connecting with someone who will be willing to make fucked up pictures with me, and then dry my tears, and then you know... swap bodily fluids with me. Too much to ask? 


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