Trying to accept and move on.

I don't really know how to express what I'm feeling about JuneBug at the moment. But I can tell that I might be absorbing and accepting her departure.

Every morning when I get up, I still look out the windows hoping to see her. Sometimes I even see a little augmented version of her looking up at me meeping her request to be let in already. Seeing that she's not there I move on with my morning routine of feeding my aunts cats and making coffee.

I miss JuneBug a great deal. The more days that pass, the more of our relationship I miss. Last night I took a bath, she was not there sitting on the edge of the tub, or better yet, in the tub with me sitting on my chest as I soaked. I was always amazed that she would do this at all, but she always has (joined me for showers too, sitting on the edge of the tub). I miss her little snore; her stealing my food; her very silly antics. Sometimes I hear little auditory hallucinations of her meowing and chattering at me. When I do I run to the doors to check for her.

Presently I can get through a day with mere tear leakage rather than a complete breakdown sob-fest. I can almost crack a smile. I don't feel sadness in every single fiber of my being, just most of them. I feel like I can do something other than be 100% devastated. These must be signs I'm recovering.

I'm trying to be present, offering sound care-taking to the cats I still live with. They are still not my cats, even though the technically are, we're not bonded in anyway. I know I have to give them time. I often consider if I even want to. I'm regularly reminded that I don't have to. At the same time I have put no effort whatsoever into rehoming them. Without any animals in the house I'll have no reason at all to come home. Tiny side tangent - one of the reasons I got JuneBug in the first place was to have a reason to come home to the place I kept my clothes and furniture, otherwise I'd be bored and out getting into trouble. I'm pretty sure I'd not be out rabble-rousing, but I'm certain that I'd feel I have no real reason to be home. I'm on the edge of that feeling now. The cats are super quiet, are rarely engaged with me, but getting a little more so. I've gone from the person who opens the door and makes food happen, to the person who also makes the bed warm to be on. They don't pee on as much stuff as they did even a month ago. I've noticed an increase in purring while in my presence, so there must be some improvement.

I'm still very hopeful for JuneBugs return, at the same time, I'm not holding my breath, or out looking in the bushes for her with every available minute of daylight. JuneBug was an old girl. For years I have dreaded the eventuality of her passing. I've always thought that when she went, I'd not get another animal companion for a while. I can already feel myself wanting a new little kitten, but I know that wouldn't be a great idea. I'm trying to be present for the cats I'm responsible for. Maybe someday they'll regard me as their person :-/


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