Unlocking the next level

grace, originally uploaded by Qathi.

Since I "developed" this picture I've been at a stand still. I though to myself, 'if I can pull this stuff out of my butt, why don't I more often?' I felt like I'd out-done myself and I'd have to live up to this with every picture I make. I know this is a load of crap, and that shooting often, putting one foot in front of the other is how one travels a path of success. But it's fucked with me for months. I created a barrier for myself that I have been having trouble getting over. The most important part of this is that I've recognized that I've done this to myself and am actively thinking about it.

Since I began making pictures with intention my living spaces have gotten smaller and more difficult to work in. At present I'm living in the tiniest of them all at 120 sqft. I could provide a chronology of this degradation, but it would be self indulgent and unproductive. I find myself wanting to live someplace warm and sunny and pretty. I've had this dream my entire life. To live in a pretty but smallish house (maybe 10x the size of my present space), in a pretty but smallish sunny community (I think I'm solar powered). As my photography has developed I'd like to add that I would like to have a pretty but smallish portrait studio.

In a few weeks I make a move that will be, without a doubt, a defining moment in my life. I'm moving to Portland OR to finish my bachelors of fine art degree. I will live in a pretty but smallish house with nothing but myself and my imagination (and a bed and 3 cats). A step in the right direction on this path to the life I want. It's not the first step, nor will it be the last, but it's definitely a step. Perhaps a step over the barrier I've set up for myself. I can hope, or I can make it so. At present, I'm in the "lets hope" stage.

Bringing this back around to the photo above. I've been letting my life circumstances stand in the way of my potential. I have to figure out how to work around them, for free. I am always hearing the voice in my head belittling successful people with snarky bohemian commentary about their success being based in some kind of financial security and access to assets that I don't have. It may, for all I know be true. At present I'm fundamentally poor, I have no way of even testing the scenario to discover the truth of access. I can only bitterly imagine that taking steps to success must easier with monetary support. I imagine folks can't possibly succeed on talent alone, one must also have resources. Where do those resources come from?

I'm looking forward to moving - unlocking the next level as it were.


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