Time alone

Hoooo golly, spending time alone sure does create an opportunity to let my head wander.  I'm trying to decide if this is a good thing or a slippery slope.

I haven't been truly alone in many months, possibly years. For the most part the alone time I have been  getting  is while commuting.  Commuting is hardly a quiet respite for reflection. I've been kinda alone, but not really. I can close my bedroom door, but that is the extent of my privacy as I live in a house which is occupied 100% of the time. I've been spending the weekend in the Portland house I'm moving into (alone) come late December. This first weekend alone has been weird, I've been wanting company, but not the kind I have to entertain, the kind that is in comfortable proximity, the kind that comes as a result of spending a long time with the same person. An intimate familiar.

This weekend alone I've been reflecting on loss and grief  for my very dearest aunt passed away 2 weeks ago, additionally a dear friend passed early this week. Processing through the work that must be done, both logistically and mentally has been good, tough, sad and oddly isolating. I am lonely, but that's nothing new, however it's usually a little easier to remedy by hanging out with roommates. However, the flavor of lonely I'm experiencing is not the flavor my roommates can help with (nor are they present). We're close, but not close enough to cuddle. I'm stressed and sad, and need a fucking hug.

This weekend is drawing to an end, soon I'll put the cats in the car to take them to their foster home. I'll return to bundle up the house and make ready to leave, try to do some homework and head home where being alone will be remedied.


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