Sorry, not a winner

bummer, originally uploaded by Qathi.
I've opened myself up to dating after 9 or 10 months off. As I have opened myself up to human contact, I have been paying attention to my human 'needs' listening and feeling how, when and what kind of physical connection I desire. Previously I have simply shut that longing out of my head.

This summer I have gotten within snogging range of a few guys I like enough to get that close to. Then I panic and don't want to engage anymore. I panic about not being ready to entertain someones ego. Like that's the only possibility, me subordinating to him. That grosses me out so much, it scares me away.  Another I've been in cuddle range with, and he's not open to more than cuddling. Okay cool - I very much appreciate being told 'I'm not into you' over being strung along. Yet that I like very much, we've hung out a lot, but haven't gotten into breaking personal space bubbles yet. Which has me unsure of what's happening - which probably means, nothing is happening. Meh. [update: the last of the three revealed he is celibate.]

I'm disappointed that the guy I'm really-super-duper into is not open to more. This is always the case. They guys who really motivate me to share my space with another human are not interested in me.

Perhaps I'm open to being aware of my feelings because I've been out of school for a few weeks and I've not been nose down working on being a good student - maybe as soon as I am busy again I'll forget all about wanting human contact again.[update: true story, i only get all wanty during school breaks.]

Perhaps I have no business entertaining the idea of dating. So far, just being open to the idea has had me experiencing wild mood swings with great feelgood moments of happy connection, ecstatic highs of flush excitement, and super lows from rejection. Maybe I need to reassess what dating means to me. Can I find any satisfaction in casual dating - weekends only without a deeper connection? What do I want?
I think I want to set myself up for a long term relationship with someone who understands and appreciates my drive, will encourage my work and help rather than block my success. And not just say they will do these things but actually do these things.  I can't help but think this is just wishful thinking.


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